As communication experts such as Deborah Tannen have pointed out, a woman’s primary goals in relationship tend to be intimacy, connection and acknowledgment. A man’s primary goals in relationship tend to be freedom, autonomy and status. He is also likely to have a more pressing sex drive, which his female partner may take as the equivalent of her drive for intimacy and connection. Women want to be "heard," whereas men tend to feel the need to do something, have an answer, or solve a problem.

A man is more likely to experience his feelings as unique. Therefore he tends to resist, ignore, or discount his female partner when she says she understands or feels the same way. She, on her part, wants to know she is not alone. His need may come out as an indication that he doesn’t understand her, which can be frustrating and even devastating to her. Her attempts to show him that she understands him may come out in a way that leaves him feeling smothered. A man is more likely to try to talk a woman out of feeling her feelings, telling her why her feelings don’t make sense. If that doesn’t work, he will change the subject or attempt to remove himself, thus demonstrating his need for independence. She, on the other hand, needing intimacy and wanting to be heard, will then repeat herself, re-emphasizing her feelings. This serves to escalate a misunderstanding. He thinks he is trying to reassure her by letting her know her problem is not so bad. This infuriates her, and to her it indicates that her feelings are not valued.

To him, talk is for information. To her, talk is for interaction. He feels that talking about every feeling or thought that pops into her awareness is a waste of time and perhaps even dangerous. She feels that sharing thoughts and feelings is part of what affords them meaning and that a failure to do so robs the relationship of some intimacy.

He overestimates the power of his words to hurt her when she is more likely to be hurt by his silence than his words.

Are any of the following sample dialogs familiar?

SHE: I’m worried about our trip this weekend. (Sharing her feelings.)
HE: I had the car checked last week, everything’s fine. (Giving a practical answer.)
SHE: Are you sure? (Her feelings aren’t heard.)
HE: (Angry) Of course, I’m sure! Why do you always question everything I do? (His answer wasn’t heard. Both feel hurt and resentful.)

Next scenario:
SHE: How was your day? (Wants to connect.)
HE: Fine. Just fine. (Wants to protect her from his ordeal.)
SHE: Did your boss like your proposal? (Tries again.)
HE: (Angry) What’s with the third degree? Can’t I have some peace and quiet? (Feels attacked.)

And another:
HE: Are you ready to go? (Wants support for his need to be on time.)
SHE: Is my hair OK? (Wants support for her need to look good.)
HE: Fine. Whatever. Let’s go! (Frustrated that his need not supported.)
SHE: (Angry) You don’t care at all how I look! (Frustrated that her need not supported.)
Sad, isn’t it?

What can you do about the communication gaps in your relationship? Just being aware of the patterns and how differently the two of you may see things, even when it is not obvious, is an important first step. Then try to put yourself in your partner’s place if you can. Imagine that you see the world from his/her perspective and your relationship goals are as described above. Once you have done that, it may be easier for you to see a way clear to lovingly communicate with this "bizarre creature" who sees the world in such a foreign way.